I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
