You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Randomize
