So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
