Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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