im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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