We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
