Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
