I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
