Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
