Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
