I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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