Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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