he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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