I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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