Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
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