GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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