When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
