the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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