I want to stick my p in your. b.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
