i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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