she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
