From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
