I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
