sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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