Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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