PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
