So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
