When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
