can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
