my being single is dangerous.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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