More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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