remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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