Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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