You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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