She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
it's great music for shaving your balls
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
