so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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