No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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