lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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