he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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