He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My feet surprised me
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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