I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
