you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
