I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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