What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
