Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
it glows. i had to have it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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