it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
