It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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