i would punch a child for taco bell
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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