thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
