he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
